Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
