My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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