it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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