I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
