This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
