i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Randomize
