I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
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