he thought i was a dude.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
