when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
