My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
You pole danced in your parka.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
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