I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Just puked most of my soul out..
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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