the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
