She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
