He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
