I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
