I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
