So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Randomize
