Pants 0. Shit 1.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
