I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I won't apologize to a one balled man
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
My feet surprised me
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
