Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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