I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Randomize
