You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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