Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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