Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Randomize
