I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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