The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
