if i can run in heels then i can drive
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
