I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
