I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I'm too high and old for this...
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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