I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
the day after is always just damage control
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
