i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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