I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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