I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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