im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
