to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I supernannyed him into submission
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
