you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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