it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
