I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
