If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Randomize
