I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
