News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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