sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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