i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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