Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
