JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Randomize
