oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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