I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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