I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
