Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
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We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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