I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
