I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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