my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
