is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Randomize
